What Does God Say About Parenting?

Quote:

We have to prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.

~Tim Elmore

Scripture:

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant,

but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those

who have been trained by it.

~Hebrews 12:11

Perspective:

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding and at times one of the most challenging things you will ever do!  It is a far bigger responsibility than many consider when they decide they want to have a baby.  Once you have that sweet little bundle of joy you will always be a parent, there will never be a true day off from that important role.  Everything you say and do going forward will impact that little person in some way.  Being a parent takes lots of love, patience, learning and skill, energy, thought, resources, and time.  It is not easy and everything it requires of you will not come naturally, especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional family like so many of us.  A dysfunctional family is defined as one where conflict, neglect, and misbehavior are continuous and unending.  A functional family encourages all family members to grow physically and emotionally and provides a safe space in which to do so.  Qualities of a healthy family are: humor and fun, clear and reasonable rules and expectations, most personal needs and goals are being met, each family member feels valued, and all family members respect each other even when there are disagreements.  Like any great relationship, the parent-child relationship takes work!   

• Raise them with God at the center of your family and home.  Me, my husband, and my kids have gone to Church together every week since my husband and I truly gave our life to Christ in January of 2012.  I remember at our community Church in PA other parents complimenting me for that and asking how I get everyone to Church together each week.  The answer is simple, it is what is expected of them as part of our family, it is just what we do each week without question.  Worship, pray, and serve together as a family.  If it is part of your routine, your family’s norm, no one will question it.  God is as big a part of our family as any other member, something I model for my kids daily.  Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). 

• Discipline your kids.  The Bible talks about this aspect of parenting a great deal.  One that comes to mind for many is, “spare the rod, spoil the child.”  I do not believe God is promoting hitting your children as much as He is emphasizing the need for discipline (authority and correction) when raising your children.  Discipline is defined as: the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.  Children are born blank slates and their foundation comes from their parents.  Kids are going to test the boundaries and try to do less where we want them to do more and more where we want them to do less, that is how they learn.  Children need our discipline and instruction to grow into the best version of themselves and productive members of society!  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).    

• Be consistent, it is key!  One thing I learned in every workshop and taught over and over as a child and family therapist was the need for consistency.  If your kids’ begging causes you to give into them even just ¼ (or even less) of the time guess what…they will beg every time they want something in hopes that “this” will be the time you give in.  The only way to end the begging and arguing is to become consistent so that they know without a doubt you mean what you say and say what you mean!  Do NOT make idle threats.  A fool despises his father’s instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent (Proverbs 15:5).

• Be loving and affectionate toward your children.  Take the time to learn their unique love language and then use it to make them feel the deep, unconditional love you have for them.  When they hug you, never be the first to let go.  When you say good-bye or good night, make sure to take the time to kiss, hug, and tell them you love them.  But God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ dies for us (Romans 5:8).  Throughout the Bible God uses both discipline and blessings, depending on what we need, to demonstrate His deep, unconditional love for us.  Through those many examples God is teaching us how to use both to show love to our children.

• When your kids talk to you, give them 100% of your attention, really take the time to listen to them, even to their silly stories.  Always, always put your phone down or stop what you are doing and really make them feel heard and valued.  Know this, my beloved brothers; let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19).

• Encourage and support them to do the hard things in life and what is hard for them personally.  The reality is life is hard, it is filled with adversity and trials!  Raise your children to understand that life is filled with both peaks and valleys for everyone, even when it does not seem that way.  But most importantly, that we can do all things through him who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13).  Kids must be raised to believe that there is a purpose to our pain.  Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope (Romans 5:3-4).  Teach them to lean on God rather than themselves, for with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).     

• Be their biggest cheerleader!  Let them see you actively shouting from the stands or giving them hope when everyone else tells them “it” cannot be done.  For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).  Most successful and/or famous people had to fight their way to the top.  I once heard, every “overnight success” has seven years of hard work and struggle behind them.  Remind them that all we tend to see is the shining end result, the win, but attaining anything takes those nine factors you read about earlier: effort, grit, perseverance, resiliency, responsibility, risk, intentionality, consistency, and self-efficacy.

• Play with them, let loose and be silly.  This is such an important connection that your kids will remember forever.  We are all busy, but we all have 24 hours seven times a week.  Your children will not remember that you had the cleanest house, but they will remember that you made time to have fun with them!  When you give birth to a child you only have 18 short years, 18 summers and holidays, with them until they leave the nest, and the last couple years they are beginning to break away and establish their independence.  As hard as some days are, make the most of every day and every experience you have with your precious children.  But Jesus said, Let the little children come to be and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 19:14).

• Be the healthiest version of you that you can be, in all ways.  Life is short, to make the most of it you must be healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually!  There is no escaping the fact that the habits you build today create your tomorrows.  My father started smoking when he was a young teen, at a time when its’ dangers were unknown.  He died of lung cancer at just 58 years old, I was only 16.  He missed out on so much in his own and in his kids’ lives all because of his bad habit.  What habits do you have that you ignore now but very well may catch up with you too soon and interfere in the life you want to lead and enjoy with your family?  Or do you not know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.  So glorify God in your body (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

• Be a good role-model, children learn from your actions much more than your words.  Throughout Jesus’ life He sought to set an example and teach us how to be our best selves; His life was a living example of what we should be pursuing each day.  Do you seek to be Christ-like each minute of every day, even when that means you must step out of your comfort zone to do so?  THAT is true character!  For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you (John 13:15). 

• Be honest with them and let them see you being honest with others, as well.  In this broken world where so many people are dishonest and just not nice, being honest with your kids and allowing them to see that you value honesty with all is huge!  This quality actually makes your home a safe place for your kids to relax and be themselves.   Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity (Titus 2:7).

• Be reliable.  To further create that safe place for your kids, be reliable so that they know they can count on you even during those times when the world feels dark.  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).  It is Jesus’ unconditional love and reliability, through thick and thin, that allows us to always feel safe and loved in His presence, even when we are in a trial that He has allowed.

• Praise their efforts more than the results, no matter how great the results are.  The growth mindset teaches us that praising a person’s effort makes them feel capable and realize the control they do have in their life even when they did not get an “A” or win.  They begin to believe that it is through their consistent efforts that the rewards will come over time.  Rewards without the effort may very well be fleeting as soon as the hard work is required.  They question their abilities and intelligence, believing if they must work at something, they may not be so capable after all.  Instead, children must be raised to know that success comes from their efforts, from those nine factors that we have control over.  And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up (Galatians 6:9).

• Love and respect their other parent.  Your marriage is teaching your children not only how to have a great marriage themselves someday but also how they should be treated by a partner as they begin to have intimate relationships.  What is your marriage teaching your children?  Men, do you want your daughter(s) to find a man who treats her the way you treat your wife?  Woman, do you want your son(s) to find a woman who treats him the way you treat your husband?  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33).

• Care for your children when they are sick, make every birthday and holiday a celebration to be enjoyed with each other, not one in which they just receive gifts.  For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a random for many (Mark 10:45).  If your children see you serving your family without need for anything in return except a simple thank you to show their appreciation, they too will learn to be givers and serve others without expectation.  Doing these things will show your love and teach your children how to show their love, as well.  A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another (John 13:34).  In our home we celebrate birthday week in which the birthday person gets to pick what they want for dinner each night and any special activities they want to enjoy together.  Each family member makes the birthday person a card on my Hallmark program, complete with special pictures and clip art specifically for them!

• Teach and give them responsibilities and when the time is right, some independence as they learn to navigate this world.  For when we were with you, we would give you this command: if anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat (2 Thessalonians 3:10).  Everyone should have responsibilities; it is a healthy way to build self-efficacy.  If children grow up knowing they must do their part to help make their home and the world a better place then they will do so without question.  My kids have had age-appropriate chores since they were able to help.  As early as two years old, kids can pick up their toys and books, put their clothes in the hamper, empty small trash cans, put away silverware and cups, and help their parents with a host of other chores.  Train them when they still think it is fun and it will become part of their nature! As kids get older and prove to be trustworthy, give them added independence.  Getting these additional freedoms should be viewed as a privilege not a right, and so can be lost if they prove themselves to be unable to handle those privileges.

• Teach your children respect for themselves and others.  This is something children begin learning at a young age in their home as they watch the level of respect between their mother and father.  They will also learn from how both parents treat others, including teachers, authority figures, the garbage man, and even other drivers on the road.  By your example and through your expectations of them throughout their life, they will learn that respect is expected of them and goes a long way both in and outside of their home.  Make sure you also teach them to respect themselves and treat their body as the temple of God that it is.  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  Honor your father and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land (Ephesians 6:1-3).

• Teach them the value of diversity!  This world is filled with people of many colors, different languages, and varying socioeconomic backgrounds, no one is exactly like YOU!  God created this diverse world of people; He did not make one above another.  He loves ALL His people and He commands us to do the same.  He requires us to help those struggling in any way.  After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands (Revelation 7:9).  Teach your children to learn about, understand, and respect differences whether they are cultural or varying handicaps, teach them to serve those in need, and to respect ALL people.  The change this world so desperately needs starts in your heart and then spreads through your home.

• Never be afraid to admit you were wrong and to say you are sorry.  Let your children see you freely admit mistakes and shortcomings and to ask their forgiveness whenever you should.  This will create children who can also admit when they have done something wrong and ask for forgiveness without feeling like doing so is a weakness.  Teach them what a great strength doing so actually is!  And that it leads to learning and growing into the best version of themselves over time.  It will also teach them to forgive.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

• Give them unconditional acceptance.  Every child is different, at times they will choose differently than you would hope, they may even make poor choices with negative consequences as they get older and become independent but accept and love them despite their differences or mistakes.  Acceptance does not mean you should not continue to guide them toward growing into their best self and setting healthy boundaries when necessary.  And the son said to him, Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.  But the father said to his servants, Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him; and give him a ring for his hand, and sandals for his feet (Luke 15:21-22).

• Do not be afraid to lovingly guide them in the right direction, especially if they get off track.  Teaching our kids how to be the best version of themselves and live their best life does not stop when they go to school, not even college.  Many things must be taught over and over for it to become part of their nature, that is why school is a 13-year process, K-12.  If parents are not willing to take the time and make the effort to teach their kids how to be good and capable people within and outside of their home, life will be forced to teach them hard lessons.  The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother (Proverbs 29:15).

• When you feel like complaining, remind yourself that you GET to be a parent.  This privilege is something that some people are praying for as they struggle to conceive.  Give yourself a parent-timeout, take some deep breaths, and then jump back into your crazy day with both feet!  Do your best to enjoy every minute of this season of your life; before you know it, your kids will be leaving the nest and you will be left wondering where the time went.  Remember that no one is perfect, just strive to be better than you were yesterday, to learn, grow, and change each day.  Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).     

Life Applications:

>After reading each point carefully, take time to honestly assess what and how you are doing in each area as a parent, both positively and negatively.

>>Read and discuss this devotional with your co-parent/spouse.  What can each of you do to become better parents for your children going forward?  Be willing to listen to and respect each other’s opinions and feelings with open ears and an open heart and mind.  Remember, you will disagree at times and you can agree to disagree and still love and care deeply about each other and about your children.  Work to learn, grow, and change with each other for the sake of your beloved children and family.

>>>Choose one thing to work on (hopefully your partner will agree to do the same) until it becomes a habit, part of your nature, then move on to the next item.  That could potentially be 12 habits per year that you have added to your repertoire of skills to be the best parent you can be…one day at a time!

>>>>Do you know your children’s and/or teen’s love language, how to really make them feel loved and valued?  Have them take the quiz now to find out what their love language is!  Make sure you and your husband do the same.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes