With LOVE Comes Responsibility…

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”

~Oprah Winfrey

In honor of Valentine’s Day on Sunday, I have chosen to write about LOVE and share the most important points I have learned in my 54 years, through life experience and through learning from others.  Valentine’s Day is an extra special day for me, it is the day eHarmony matched my husband and I, 17 years ago and the day our communication first began.  I grew up in a home where little love was shown between my parents or from my father, instead a lot of anger was shown.  You could say I am self-taught, and it took me many years and lots of work to get it “right” (yet I am not perfect and will continue to learn every day until the day I die).  So, here is what I have learned and wish someone had told me as I was growing up and beginning to date…

1-Self-love is important!

“No one is you and that is your biggest power.”

~Dave Grohl

I have heard it said that you cannot love another until you love yourself.  I am not sure I agree with that completely, here is my take on it…I do not think you can love another well if you do not love yourself and I am not sure you can accept healthy love from another if you do not love yourself.  Self-love does not mean that you love everything about yourself or that you have everything figured out, but it does mean you have come to terms with where you are, with both your strengths and weaknesses, that you know you have some work to do to be the best version of you (just like the rest of the humans you share the planet with), and you are okay with that and committed to the process.  Like the flight attendants always say, put your oxygen on before helping anyone else with theirs!

If you are not a healthy version of you, meaning you are not self-aware and actively working on becoming the best version of you, you very well may not attract that healthy mate you so desire.  You must be what you are looking for.  A racehorse will almost certainly not marry a slug.  So, if you feel like you are a bit of a slug but want to end up with a racehorse in life, figure out what you must do to create the best version of you and begin that process, and it is a process.  However, there is nothing you cannot do with effort (hard work), grit (stamina), perseverance (the refusal to give up), resiliency (bouncing back), responsibility (self-discipline & accountability), risk (the courage to take a chance), intentionality (making choices purposefully), consistency (doing a little bit everyday), and self-efficacy (an “I can do it!” attitude); remind yourself of that fact daily.  Do NOT “try” to be the best version of you (What does “I’ll try” even mean?), but rather have a working plan in place to do so!

“You don’t need someone to complete you. 

You only need someone to accept you completely.”

~Sonya Parker

2-The wrong person cannot be transformed into the right person through your efforts!

“The wrong person makes you beg for attention,

affection, love, and commitment.  The right person

gives you these things because they love you.”

~Author Unknown

I have always wondered why I, or anyone else for that matter, have spent more than six months with someone who is not their Mr. or Miss Right?  After all, time is precious.  First and foremost, it is critical to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, to know what you value, and to know what you want in this life, that in hindsight, goes by in the blink of an eye.  If you are not “in the know,” your trial-and-error process to find that right person will be far longer and more tedious than it needs to be, maybe even leaving you feeling defeated and hurt over and over.  I have found repeatedly that you cannot make someone you “love” into someone you can l-o-v-e through all of life’s peaks and valleys for the next 50 years.  If you are struggling with who someone is and what they are doing in the first six months, there is a better match for you out there still walking around looking for YOU, so do not settle.  Do not put more effort into a romance than your partner, if he or she loves you, you will know it by their loving and devoted actions; remember, actions do speak louder than words, so weigh those more heavily then what they might tell you.  We cannot change anyone but ourselves!  Be patient, your Mr. or Miss Right is out there and if you are open to it, you will find each other.  I was 37 when I met my Mr. Right (he was 40) and believe me, I was ready to give up on numerous occasions but thank God I didn’t.  It is better to be alone and open to the right person, than lonely, miserable, and unavailable with the wrong person.  Do not waste that time when you are single being miserably alone, instead use it to prepare yourself for Mr. or Miss Right by working to become the best version of you! 

3-Communication is key!

“In a relationship, when communication

starts to fade, everything else follows.”

~Author Unknown

Communication is key for so many reasons.  Without communication there is confusion, doubt, anger, and hurt, which could all be eliminated with clear and open communication.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you simply tell someone what you are feeling they do not have to wonder and make assumptions that are often not accurate.  Clarify expectations so others are not left to speculate, only to then be disappointed.  Disappointment is that gap between what one expects and the reality of what one receives.  It can be avoided by communicating expectations and plans.  Communication is about respect and consideration, not control.  In the craziness of life, it is easy for it to slip to the wayside, so you must be intentional about it.  Schedule time to connect with your partner.  Schedule time for a date night every single week without fail, even if it just means one you arrange at home once the kids go to bed!  Sitting on the couch exhausted together is not a date night…unless the lights are dimmed, music is softly playing, a candle is lit, and you are talking and flirting with your favorite beverage next to you!

Communication brings two people closer, it allows them to truly know each other, so if that is your goal then be intentional about communication!  Share how you feel and listen to how your partner feels, even if they are two completely different perspectives.  Sometimes you must agree to disagree.  Other times you may just need a time out from the conversation, to consider and process their perspective.  Remember you love this person, but they are not your clone.  You must accept and love their differences the same way you do all that you have in common.  If the difference is a real problem in your relationship, take the time to communicate about that.  Ask your partner when you can sit down to do that, do not just throw it out in an argument, I guarantee that will not fix that or any other problem.  Always remember, you are on the same team.

4-Relationships, like anything in life worth having, take work!

“If you want a relationship that looks and feels like

the most amazing thing on earth, you need to

treat it like it is the most amazing thing on earth.”

~Author Unknown

If you want a green lawn, water and fertilize it; if you want to be in shape, eat right and exercise; if you want to be successful at work, learn all you can and give 110%; if you want a neat house, clean up after yourself…I think you get the point.  Nothing in life just happens, even winning the lottery will take you playing the lottery.  A quote I love by Pastor Levi Lusko is, “If you are at the top of the mountain, you didn’t just fall there.”  If you give your partner what you have left at the end of the day, then that is the kind of relationship you are going to have, on top of a partner who feels the pain and hurt of those actions and the consequences from that.  Work or a hobby will not be at your bedside when you are sick or dying.  You must be intentional about giving your partner the love that will create the relationship you both desire.  Do whatever you have to do to create this good habit: alarms at key times, a Post-it Note, a list as a reminder of things you can do to make your partner feel special (ask them to create one for you); a little extra effort everyday really does go a long way!  Do you know your partner’s love language?  Focus on those things for better, faster results.

Compromise, compromise, compromise!  No one wants to be the one giving in and rarely having their own way.  Through communication you can find a solution to any problem, one that leaves you both feeling satisfied to some degree.  One partner may feel more or less satisfied at different times, it can’t always be 50/50, but if you are both being intentional about compromise, it will even out and hurt feelings will not build up and lead to resentment.  Never sweep hurt feelings under the carpet and let them build up…that will NEVER work, it is a guaranteed path to destruction…that pile grows quickly and becomes impossible to walk comfortably around.  You must communicate and compromise so both partners feel valued in the relationship.

“Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do.”

~David Wilkerson

5-When the going gets tough…

“You can’t just give up on someone because the situation’s not ideal.  Great relationships aren’t great because they have no problems.  They’re great because both people care enough about the other person to find a way to make it work.

~Author Unknown

The going WILL get tough because as I said, you and your partner are not clones, you were raised by different families and must both feel respected and valued in the relationship for it to succeed.  I have heard it said, that if there is never conflict in a relationship, then someone is not getting their needs met and I genuinely believe that.  Conflict is OK, it is how we handle it that is most important!  It is easy to forget about being solution-focused and instead become self-focused, saying or doing whatever you have to (creating lots of hurt feelings in the process), to get your point across and to get your way, but that will not create a great relationship, which I assume is what you want if you are in a relationship.  There is a solution to every problem, and we encounter many problems in life, so conflict resolution is a necessary life skill worth mastering!  And please, until you have done all you can (believe me there is usually more you can do), do not say, “I can never make you happy.”  Have you asked for a helpful list from your partner?  Do you know their love language?  Have you researched and read about new ideas?  Then have you really done all you can?  OK, then “just do it!”

6-Resiliency is a must!

“A relationship gets stronger when both of you are

willing to understand mistakes and forgive each other.”

~Author Unknown

Bouncing back from a conflict depends on a couple of things,

1) how much damage you have done to get your point across and,

2) how you handle the make-up, especially if you hurt your partner. 

Often the conflicts in a relationship do not ruin it, but rather it’s the damage you have left behind from the tornado of a fight you helped to create to “win” that fight.  Chances are you are going to make-up after almost any conflict, so why be extreme in winning a battle only to crush the person you love most?  Is the “win” that important?  If so, I would say it is about more than the battle at hand and something you must explore in your quest for self-growth and a healthy relationship; unfortunately, I learned this lesson the hard way in my lifetime.  In any conflict, the one who remains in control of themselves is the one in control, the one who will end up receiving the apology while the out-of-control partner ends up ridden with guilt and feeling bad about their actions.  The conflict shifts from whatever it was about originally to what you did out of anger to hurt your loved one.  Much heartache is avoided by learning that often-needed life skill of conflict resolution!  If you need a timeout first, take it (just be sure to communicate that need).  Decide now if it is better to be right or happy in your relationship, and then move forward on your journey committed to that.  Always give thought to the consequences your actions will bring before acting.

“I am sorry.  I was wrong.  What can I do to make it up to you?” 

These are three critical sentences after a conflict, especially if you hurt your partner!  The only thing standing between you and saying these words is your pride, but do not let yourself be fooled, this type of pride is destructive to yourself and to those you love/your relationships.  So, even if not saying you are sorry feels better than saying you are sorry in the moment, the consequences are NOT good.  Lack of an apology after you hurt someone is like salt in an open would; it perpetuates the hurt and creates resentment in the one you hurt, especially if it happens repeatedly.  Practice those three sentences when you feel the least vulnerable, when the offense is minor, maybe even saying those words too much initially, just to practice and get used to the feeling of them leaving your mouth.  This practice will make it easier to then put your pride aside when doing so stings the most.  The more you force yourself to do what is difficult for you but right for the relationship, the easier it will become over time.  And it can do nothing but benefit you and your relationship.  

“Love never gives up.”

~1 Corinthians 13:7

Life Applications:

> For today, commit to not saying, “He or she isn’t, or is, doing XYZ,” instead say, “What can I do differently?”  You can only change you!  And doing so will change the dynamics of any relationship.  Be intentional and consistent in your efforts.

>> For today, do something special for each of the most significant people in your life, just to show you care and to bring a little joy to their hearts.  Write down their names and what you plan to do in your journal.  Then, check out Pinterest for lots of great ideas.  Do not forget to learn your partner’s, your kids’, and your own love language!  Go to 5lovelanguages.com and take the quiz.

Who…                                        What…

>>> For today, be intentional about showing grace, if someone overreacts, let it slide; if someone is submissive of your feelings or forgetful, consider that they may have a lot on their mind; do not seek to personalize others’ words, tone, and actions, or lack of action, so quickly, work to give your loved ones the benefit of the doubt at times, something we all need!

>>>> Take a few moments and journal about a recent conflict with a loved one… 

What was it about?  What were each of your perspectives?  Do you believe you handled the situation and your loved one’s feelings well?  If not, what can you do differently the next time?  Did you apologize for your part in the conflict?  If not, why?