What Does God Say About Marriage?

“The greatest marriages are built on teamwork…a mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration and a never-ending portion of love and grace.”

~Fawn Weaver

Scripture:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

~1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Perspective:

Marriage.  Something most of us long to do and fanaticize about for years when we are single and sometimes lonely.  We envision walking down the aisle with our loved ones and friends present and then riding off into the sunset for our happily ever after.  We rarely, if ever, think about the work that will be involved after the honeymoon but rather the bliss of sharing our life with the one we are so madly in love with.  Then reality kicks in and we realize we had not given as much thought to life after the wedding as we had to actually getting married.  Marriage is work, there are moments that are fairytale like, but it is not a fairytale.  Some of us never learned the skills required to make this union work for a lifetime, thus the commonly talked about “50% divorce rate” in the United States.  In 2018, the CDC reported (four states did not report) the marriage rate to be 6.5 per 1,000 population and the divorce rate to be 2.9 per the same population (this rate varies from year to year).  So, what does it take to make a great marriage?  And what does God say about marriage?  Read on…

• Put God at the center of your marriage and all you do.  Though, it is difficult to put God at the center of any relationship where He is not at the center of both individuals’ lives.  If you are each seeking God, seeking to learn from Him and be challenged by Him, to love Him above all else, it will be natural to make Him the center of your relationship.  And Jesus replied to him, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment (Matthew 22:37-38).

• Pray for each other and pray together.  I once read that, “prayer is the spiritual glue of your relationship,” and I really like that!  Praying together builds strength and intimacy in your relationship.  It is a powerful way for a couple to seek God’s wisdom and fight for their marriage.  Worship and serve together, as well.  Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored.  The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (a believer) can accomplish much (James 5:16).

• Take one day at a time, together.  You can get through anything for one day and you just never know what tomorrow will bring, so do not make assumptions, instead have faith and remain hopeful.  Find something good in each precious day.  A bad day, or even season, does not mean there will not be a beautiful sunset to watch together.  This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24).

• Have fun and make memories together.  Come, my beloved, let us go out into the country, let us spend the night in the villages, let us go out early to the vineyards; let us see whether the vine has budded and its blossoms have opened, and whether the pomegranates have flowered.  There I will give you my love (Song of Solomon 7:11-12).  No matter how busy life gets make time for a date night each week, even if it is at home after the kids are in bed.  Be creative, Pinterest has lots of great ideas!  Commit to turn off the TV at least one night a week and find pleasure in other ways of relaxing together.  Read and discuss a book on marriage or do a Bible study alone together, or in a group where childcare is offered if you need it.  If you cannot find one, start one.  Make time to grow together to ensure you do not grow apart.

• Show love and affection to your spouse, do not just tell them you love them, although that is important, but also show them through your actions each and every day!  Be intentional about showing them kindness, about doing the little things that make them feel special, and about giving a compliment that comes to mind.  If you get up to get yourself something, ask if he/she wants anything.  Be appreciative of and thank your spouse often for all he/she does for you and your family.  Love is to be sincere and active…  Be devoted to one another with brotherly affection, give preference to one another in honor… (Romans 12:9-10). 

• Draw together when life gets hard, being able to rely on one another in good times and especially in bad times is vital to a great marriage!  Find comfort in being together, even in the quiet moments.  He replied, Have you never read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined inseparably to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.  Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate (Matthew 19:4-6).

• Get a master’s degree in your life partner.  Really listen to your spouse when he/she talks.  Ask your partner what he/she needs when he/she is upset, frustrated, or struggling with something and then seek to do that when you see the need.  Learn and then do the little things that mean the most to your beloved.  Care as deeply about your spouse’s needs, desires, and feelings as your own.  Be a light in his/her world!  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.  …Even so husbands should and are morally obligated to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his own wife loves himself.  …However, each man among you is to love his wife as his own self, and the wife that she respects and delights in her husband (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33). 

• Share common goals.  You can each have individual goals but it is essential to a great marriage to be on the “same page” with the most important things: God, child-rearing, your future, how you care for your health, and what you value most. Talk and get excited about your future, set and work to achieve goals together, one step at a time.  But continually encourage one another every day, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3:13).

• Be honest, be faithful.  Personally, I view this as the foundation for a great marriage.  If I could not trust what my husband says to me and trust him when he is not with me that would take so much away from the friendship and intimacy in our marriage.  Through life’s many peaks and valleys, couples must know they can trust and rely on each other.  And I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse, and He who was riding it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and wages war (Revelation 19:11).

• Decide how you will handle disagreements and then stick to it.  Do not let anger dictate how you treat your partner, instead ask, what would Jesus do, especially in difficult circumstances when we tend to gravitate toward what we have “always done,” whether it works or not.  You can never go wrong if you are always trying to act more like Christ, since all He did came from love and goodness.  Both partners should ask and then learn what God wants to teach you from every conflict that occurs. 

• When you are angry, do your very best to stick to the point of your disagreement and keep the fact that you love the other person in the forefront of your mind.  If you are sidetracked by your anger and become hurtful toward your partner, your point will be lost immediately, and you will have to deal with the consequences of whatever you have said or done. A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, but harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger (Proverbs 15:1).

• Communicate, communicate, communicate!  Where communication is missing people tend to fill in their own assumptions which are often wrong.  This alone can lead to problems.  I remember the first time my now husband and I walked through an artsy little town together and were “browsing” (or so I thought) through a shop.  He quickly walked ahead of me and I assumed and then even dwelled on my own incorrect thoughts, that he must not really like me.  The truth was, he shops faster than me; I am a browser, he is not.  I like to look at and discuss things when I shop.  Now that we know each other, we have learned to compromise when we shop together.  A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion (Proverbs 18:2).

• It is OK to postpone a heated disagreement but always make time to communicate that and then to come back together and discuss it as planned.  Sweeping things under the carpet just creates a growing pile that will inevitably cause bigger problems.  It leaves one or both partners believing their feelings do not matter.  Work to respect and understand differing points of view.  God uses marriage to sanctify us, through it He teaches us unconditional love, patience, grace, faithfulness, self-control, and gentleness…if we let Him.  Ask yourself, is my goal to be right or to have a strong, healthy marriage for a lifetime?  Act with that goal in mind.  Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.  Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them (Colossians 3:18-19). 

• Marriage is not 50/50, divorce is.  Marriage means giving 100% most of the time.  Do you give more than you take in your relationship?  Always remember, you will get out of your marriage, just like anything in life, what you put into it.  The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.  Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver (2 Cor 9:6-7).  Any relationship, aspect of yourself or your life that you want to grow, must be cared for and nurtured as such.  Just think about someone’s lawn and landscaping who is always outside caring for it, I can quickly think of two such gorgeous lawns! 

• Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Ask yourself often, will this matter next month or even next week?  If the answer is “no,” then treat it as such.  If the answer is, yes, then you must make time for an honest conversation about that with your spouse.  Do NOT let temporary circumstances rob you of the joy and peace God intended for and enabled you both to have.  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer (Romans 12:12).

• Always, always make daily time for each other; after God, your partner is supposed to be your first priority!  Once your kids are gone, you will have each other; once you retire, you will have each other.  Refuse to let the romance that started your relationship die, commit to growing it over your lifetime.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be (Luke 12:34).

• Remember, no one is perfect, including you.  At times it can be easy to take our loved ones for granted, to show them the least grace, and even to take our frustrations out on them.  Work to show your partner, and loved ones, as much grace as anyone else, to value them every single day.  Look for the good in your partner and make an effort to focus more on that than their imperfections.  Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony (Colossians 3:12-14).  If you want to focus on imperfections, focus on your own and work to change those, for YOU are the only person you can change, and look how hard that is!

• Marry a hard worker, both at and outside of the home you share.  This will ensure your partner is going to work with you and provide for his/her family, that each partner will do his/her share.   The soul of the lazy person craves and gets nothing, but the soul of the diligent is rich and abundantly supplied (Proverbs 13:4).  Agree to share responsibilities and to cooperate, to be a team of two!  And when you have children, raise them with a team mentality, give and then expect them to be responsible for their share, as well.  From the time my children were able, they had age-appropriate chores and were told that we all live to our home and we all pitch in, something they no longer even question.  Pinterest has many examples of age-appropriate chore charts…everyone can and should do something!

• Do not just focus solely on romantic love and the butterflies in your stomach but rather make sure you share the same beliefs and values, for that is what will matter most over a lifetime together.  If you have been married for a while you probably have seen this playout, if not, ask someone who has, and they will almost certainly verify this.  Looks change, we all grow old if we are lucky, and romantic love waxes and wanes, yet having the same values in key life areas will act as a pillar of strength in your marriage.  Do not be unequally bound together with unbelievers.  For what partnership can righteousness have with lawlessness?  Or what fellowship can light have with darkness (2 Corinthians 6:14)?

• Respect one another.  Be the best of friends.  Seek to view, value, and treat your spouse as your very best friend and cherished life partner every day.  YOU get to spend your life with this person!  Most would usually control their reactions and behavior with friends and strangers, something we must work to do with our beloved, as well, the one who is closer to us than anyone else in this world.  Being married does not mean we should ever take our spouse for granted but rather it is an honor.  Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.  And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (Ephesians 5:1-2).

• Remember the vows you made before God, especially when times are tough, when one of you is sick or you experience a financial valley.  Those were not just words you said to “get married,” they were vows, or solemn promises, you made to each other before God.  Stay committed to the commitment you made at the altar, in good times but especially in bad.  You made a sacred promise to love and cherish this person till death do you part, through the worst of times, when you are poor, and when one of you is sick, not just while it is easy, fun, feels good, and is convenient.  If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself to a pledge, he shall not break his word.  He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth (Numbers 30:2). 

• No matter how rough or long a trial is, know that nothing lasts forever.  A new day often brings a new perspective; you can be sure the sun will shine again!  There will be days you must pray your way through but there will also be joyous, wonderful days that you treasure forever.  Just do not give up, persevere with hope!  And now three remain: faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:13).

• Be willing to forgive AND forget.  On the flip side, you must also be willing to admit when you are wrong and apologize.  Apologize just as quickly as you hurt your partner’s feelings, whether intentional or not.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).  Overcoming trials together in life makes each person and the relationship grow stronger; growth is part of the reason God allows trials and suffering.

• Bend without breaking.  Be flexible.  When we are rigid in life it causes problems in our relationships and in many other areas of our life.  It does not allow for the possibility we are wrong, for varying opinions, or even for growth beyond were we are right now.  God is teaching us through all He allows in our life.  He does NOT want us to stay the same, He wants us to grow, to become more and more like Christ throughout our life.  Transformation is the process meant to happen after the moment of salvation  All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16).

• Be content with where you are and what you have in this moment.  Learn from every situation God allows into your life, for they all have a purpose.  A lesson will be presented to you over and over until you learn it; God does not give up!  There is no point in dwelling on the past or pining for the future, instead find contentment in today and work together toward a brighter tomorrow. But first and most importantly seek His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you also.  So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:33-34).

Life Applications:

>After reading each point carefully, take time to honestly assess what you are doing in each area to affect the state of your marriage (or relationship), both positively and negatively.

>>Read and discuss this devotional with your partner.  What can each of you do to create the best marriage for the two of you?  Be willing to listen to and respect each other’s feelings and opinions with open ears and an open heart and mind.  Remember, you can agree to disagree at times and still love and care deeply about each other; work to learn, grow, and change through the years with each other.

>>>Choose one thing to work on (hopefully your partner will agree to do the same) until it becomes a habit, part of your nature, then move on to the next item.  That could potentially be 12 habits per year that you have added to your repertoire of skills to create an amazing marriage!

>>>>Do you know your spouse’s love language?  Or do you simply do for them what you like done for you?  Take the quiz now to learn more and to find out what your love language is, what your partner’s love language is, and even what your children and teens’ love language is!

Love language quiz link!