More than the words, “I’m Sorry”…

“When you forgive, you free your soul.

But when you say I’m sorry, you free two souls.”

~Donald L. Hicks

Scripture:

So then, let us pursue what makes for peace and for building up one another.

~Romans 14:19

Perspective:

The two little words, “I’m sorry,” too often go unsaid but are so very necessary to maintain healthy relationships, including the one we have with Jesus.  We are broken people living in a sin-filled world; because we are not perfect, we hurt those closest to us, ourselves, and potentially anyone else who crosses our path.  In this life, it is not a question of if you will hurt someone’s feelings but rather when.  How you respond after doing so is of utmost importance.  Do you control your mistakes, or do they control you, the choice is yours to make!  Hiding behind bad behavior or excuses, and even from God in our shame, will NOT help anyone or make the situation better.

A good apology must have three parts: taking responsibility for our actions, feeling and showing regret, and remedying the hurt we have caused. 

“I’m sorry for (whatever you did  ), will you forgive me? 

I am going to work hard not to do that again.” 

Then, you must do the work to make the necessary changes, so you do not repeat the bad behavior for which you have apologized!  A half apology can make things worse; whatever you do, do with your whole heart and give it 110% of your effort and attention.  Consider your body language as well, it is powerful and at times can say something different than your words.  Both people may be wrong, but your apology is about your wrongdoing and the pain you caused.  If the other person has some responsibility in the conflict and doesn’t apologize, that is ultimately between them and God.  Later, you can share your feelings about the hurt they have caused you, but do not make it part of your apology.

The one word that should not be part of any sincere apology is, “but,” for it sets the stage for the excuse to come.  You can either say you are sorry OR make excuses for yourself; like oil and water, the two do not mix well.  When we carry guilt, it acts as a burden, we then tend to be suspicious of and question blessings and the goodness of others.  Apologizing, like forgiving, sets us free.  No one is perfect, however, for an apology to be sincere, a change in behavior must accompany it!  If we say we are sorry yet continue with the same behaviors, what do those actions say?  Doing so makes the apology feel empty and meaningless for actions speak the loudest.  Carefully consider the point of your apology if you tend to continue with “business as usual” after apologizing.  Change is a process you must be willing to engage in IF you are truly sorry for your wrongdoings.  It is healthy to be honest with whoever you have hurt, letting them know you are working on changing your behavior.  Do not say, “I will change,” without a plan and actions toward doing so; intentions without actions are meaningless.

The biggest obstacle to an apology is our pride.  We use pride as a defense mechanism, yet in reality, it is standing in the way of our doing many things we should but don’t feel  like doing; it is our sin-nature to protect ourselves.  True humility allows us to do what we should and demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit through how we live and act.  Pride allows your sin to rule over you, humility lets you rule over your sin.  It takes courage to apologize!  When you freely give a sincere apology, you are setting a Godly example for your children and for those around you.  The world will know we are Christians by watching how we behave in both good and bad times; are we the salt and light in this broken world or do we act just like everyone else?  It goes deeper than our behavior, as our behavior is a reflection of and flows directly from our heart.  You can’t change your behavior without examining, understanding, and changing your heart; God cares most about our heart, what motivates us to do what we do. 

Self-deception is easy to engage in and dangerous to our soul; we tend to give ourselves too much slack!  Yet, we are so quick to see faults in others’ words and actions.  God commands us to look at the log in our own eye before we point out the speck in someone else’s.  Since I have ADHD, I have had to work harder than many to have a filter for my words.  I also had the disadvantage of not seeing anything properly filtered as I was growing up, anything was fair game in my chaotic home of origin.  What I have started doing and working toward making a habit, is imagining what I am about to say, being said to me, and seeing how I would feel as the receiver.  Doing so has stopped many words from flying off my tongue.  Change of any kind is a process that takes intentional effort; be persistent in those efforts and patient with yourself in the process.

When we sin, we must run to Jesus and ask for forgiveness, but we tend to back away from Him in shame and carry that shame with us in the form of guilt.  Nothing we have done wrong is ever wasted, it is all used in preparation for our future and part of a testimony that we can share to help others.  No one is too far from God to be forgiven and it is never too late to apologize for our wrongdoings.  You must value two relationships being right, yours with God and the person you have offended, more than you value proving you are right, whether or not you are!  We are not promised tomorrow or even the next minute, be careful how long you put off what you should be doing now to be right with God.  Jesus said forgiveness should be endless (70 x 7), just as He forgives us, but that does not mean there will not be consequences for the offence.  Not everyone you sincerely apologize to will be willing to forgive you or not put up boundaries to protect themselves from being hurt in the future.  How the other person handles your apology is up to them and between them and God.  Keep the focus on you and do what you should; doing so is hard enough without trying to change others as well!  

Life Application:

>Who do you owe an apology to, past and present?  Have you confessed your sins to God and truly accepted His forgiveness?  If apologies are difficult for you, write them out and then practice them.  Take one step at a time, pick just one person to apologize to, pray to and lean on God for strength while doing so.  Like anything else, the more you do it, the easier it will become.  If you owe someone from your past an apology but are unable to make that apology for some reason, write them a letter and read it to God.